


lying to himself, 'cause his liquor's top shelf

by bees_knees



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Abusive Parents, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Bad BDSM Etiquette, Choking, Depression, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Heavy Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Under-negotiated Kink, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-02-23 11:33:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23710840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bees_knees/pseuds/bees_knees
Summary: Thomas Jefferson lives his life in silence, due to baggage from the past that he doesn't seem to be able to come out of. What happens when he is forced to come out of this mindest by one Alexander Hamilton, the man who despises him?
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/Thomas Jefferson
Comments: 15
Kudos: 30





	lying to himself, 'cause his liquor's top shelf

When the whole world is constantly changing, one only yearns to just press the pause button and take everything in. Yet, no one can ever make that possible, because the world is unyielding and does not care if you can’t catch up. It’s as if the universe decided to be a never ending game of tag. Once you’re it, the universe does not ever change that fact until you finally realize how much the world is against you. Maybe that is why Thomas was so tired, because he was stuck in a child’s game. 

The universe sucked, and he never got a say in any decision it ever made. It was its way or the highway, but when you’re on the highway, there is a semi truck about to ram into you after a bird shits in your hair after you step in roadkill. So that is why he decided to stop fighting back and take whatever was given to him. But this is where he drew the line. Alexander was across the long table, other members of the office sitting there apprehensively, but yearning for the moment Thomas finally shouted back. 

He never did shout back, because he just did not want to. He was tired. He was so tired of this perpetual cycle where he was put through the ring and came out with broken bones, while the other only got a tiny scratch on their cheek. Why bother anymore? He would never win this dumbass game called life. He exhaled through his nose heavily as he leaned back in the stiff chair, hands in his lap. 

He looked over at Washington, who was already watching him with narrowed eyes, gaze twinkling with.. something. Thomas bristled at that and averted his eyes from his boss, and the next best thing was to connect eyes with Alexander, who seemed to be done talking and was staring at the man who he was previously screaming at with an almost offended expression. 

“Were you not listening to anything I was saying?” He asked in disbelief, the fury seeping into his tone as if it was not already there. Thomas blinked and looked at his fellow coworkers, who only glanced away quickly as if Thomas would snap at them. Not that he would ever feel comfortable to ever even do that though. He looked back at Alexander when he heard the other snap his fingers to get his attention. 

"What, you too good to listen to me now? Huh? Is that it?” He snarled out. Thomas gave him a blank stare before he sighed, exhaustion creeping into his body, his head already feeling light. 

He needed a drink. He should go to the bar after work again. Like he did after every day. Every night. He did not have a problem though. He was handling it perfectly. He felt his eyes glaze over tiredly.

“Jesus Christ Jefferson! What the Hell is wrong with you!? You never fucking say anything!” Alexander ranted, gesturing around frantically, the rage pouring out from his throat so clearly. Thomas suddenly wished James was by his side again, but could only think about the disappointment that would be in his gaze. 

"It’s like you legitimately want to piss me off!” He then looked at Washington with thinly veiled irritation. “Why did we hire this guy again? He has no goddamn skill! It’s like you want to waste money on this buffoon!”   
Washington sent a stern glare towards Alexander which made said man close his mouth, but his eyes were still twinkling with pique. Thomas felt his anger rise. He had earned this spot, fair and square. He was comfortable around Washington, enough so he could go through with the most laid back interview of his life. He just.. Did not expect to be confined in a space with a loudmouthed bastard. 

“Mr. Hamilton, I suggest you watch your mouth before you berate your  _ equal _ .” The muscular man chastised. Alexander could not help but retort to that, furrowing his eyebrows together as he pointed at Jefferson. 

“Do NOT compare me to that man! He is not my equal and he is worth as much as dogshit!” Hamilton hissed out, keeping his eyes connected with Washington’s before he directed it towards Thomas. “What? Are you too much of a pussy to defend yourself? God, I fucking despise you!” 

Thomas really did want to respond, truly, but he felt his heart picking up the pace in his chest as everyone turned to stare at him, and all he could do is narrow his eyes. He did not know why Alexander insisted on hating his guts, when the only words he ever spoke to him were a brief “hello” and “goodbye”. Maybe because he accidentally knocked the man’s coffee over or interrupted his writing process, or borrowed a pen once or twice in the beginning. But he felt angry at being compared to shit, and as if he did not work twice as hard as Alexander. Hamilton just scoffed, unaware of the myriad of thoughts running through Thomas’s head rapidly, tilting his chin up in disgust.    
  
“I did not expect you to respond anyways.” He smirked coldly. 

Thomas opened his mouth for the first time since he’s been in this room, which was a year ago, to the surprise of everyone, and only a small noise fell from his throat as it closed back up in discomfort. He stood up from his seat, walking around the long table and then promptly left the room. He could feel the eyes of everyone on his back and he tried his best not to shiver, knowing he would only look like a fool to them. __

_ A pussy _ , the voice in his head that sounded specifically like Alexander helpfully supplied. 

"What the  _ fuck _ !?” Was the last thing he heard from Hamilton’s mouth as he rushed out, hands balled into fists. His nails, which he had to cut soon, were digging into the palms of his hands, knuckles so white due to the intensity at which he was cutting into his dry skin as he felt the anxiety build in his chest. It was so familiar, yet so cumbersome as he felt it consume his very soul, breath hitching in his throat. He just clenched his jaw to stop the anxious tears from spilling down his face.

**______________________________**

As soon as Thomas was in his office, he locked it with trembling hands before he fell against the door, sliding down to sit as he clawed at his chest, heaving in desperate breaths. He wanted nothing more than to just calm James and tell him what was going on and talk to him but he would be so disappointed and  _ fuck why does he disappoint everyone in his life _ . He slid his hands into his hair, tugging roughly as he bit his bottom lip to stop the cries from bubbling out. 

He eventually calmed down, then almost immediately began panicking again when he realized how he had left a meeting with his fucking boss watching him. He was screwed. Goodbye to his fucking job, apparently!    
  
“Fuck..” He whispered. He pushed himself off the ground, standing on wobbly legs as he stumbled over to his desk, rummaging through the cabinets as he pulled out a small bottle of whiskey. Thomas examined the bottle, running his finger over the label methodically. He felt his anxiety soothe itself, a small smile on his face. 

Alcohol calmed him down, because when he could barely think straight, he didn’t have to think about how awful he was at this whole living thing. He did not have to think about how he dropped out of his lawschool to get this office job selling fucking printers. He remembered how his parents went silent over the phone, how his dad’s voice raised to a point he did not know it could go to, because he thought he had the worst of it only in highschool, but things never changed. When he came out as gay, when he admitted how he could barely speak around people without wanting to throw up, it was all the same. Cold anger just seeping out of his father in every moment while his mom did the worst of it. 

She just watched with a passive expression, as if nothing was going on. As if it was all okay when in reality it was not. They were just another broken rich family, but hey. At least he still had his trust fund, since he was over eighteen. He chuckled at thought, albeit weakly, but he still laughed. 

The noise was a pathetic one full of contempt directed solely at himself and the universe. He was so tired and money could not buy his happiness. It could not buy him a normal life and he was just in the midst of all of, just taking it because what else could he fucking do? He jumped, being torn out of his thoughts abruptly as he heard the sound of his door being unlocked, and shoved the bottle back into the drawer, slamming it shut as he saw Lafayette’s familiar face. He almost choked on a sob at that but kept it in, biting down on his bottom lip roughly as he tried to calm his shaking hands. 

Lafayette gave him a concerned look as he advanced, locking the door behind him. The man jingled the keys in his hand, giving him a knowing look before he gave the other man a soft smile. 

“Mon cher, what is the problem? Alexander-” If he noticed how Thomas flinched so violently at the name, then he did not comment on it. “-said you ran out of a meeting with your, ah, tail between your legs.” Lafayette explained as he pulled out the chair opposite to his desk, taking a seat with his hands clasped in front of his chest.

Thomas exhaled shakily before he shook his head vehemently. “Doesn’t matter. It- It’s- I’m okay now. Don’t freak out over it.” He murmured as he opened his laptop to his email, running his eyes over the pile. “Hamilton was exaggerating. I walked, I did not run.” He shook his head, huffing softly. 

Lafayette squinted at him before shaking his head in disappointment. “Merde. I am so sorry about Alexander’s behavior, once again. He does not know when to drop things and I apologize in advance for whatever he may do next time he sees you.”

Thomas gritted his teeth together. “Laf, I am fine. Believe me. I don’t care what Hamilton does.” He reminded, glancing up from his laptop to connect his eyes to the Frenchman’s.   
  
“Oh, mon ami, I know how deep Alex’s words cut sometimes. He doesn’t mean it though!” Lafayette attempted to explain, but Thomas felt the rage begin to boil over. He couldn’t handle it. He just could not. 

So he made a noise of pure distaste and shook his head. “He definitely meant it. Every bit of it. Stop making excuses for him.” Thomas hissed out.

“I am not making excuses, I just want you to not normalize his behavior-” Lafayette was cut off, his soft smile disappearing by each waking second. Thomas could not bring himself to feel bad for his words and his actions in the midst of his vexation. 

Jefferson laughed out loud at those words, which was a rather bitter sound that reverberated in his chest. “You act as if I am not used to it, Lafayette! I’ve been dealing with his bullshit since day one! I don’t need you looming over my goddamn shoulder every two fucking seconds. I can handle myself. I am not a child. Fuck off already.” He bit out as his fingers clacked against his keyboard aggressively, his throat already closing perturbedly, and even if Lafayette had stayed, he knew he would not be able to speak any longer. 

He just wanted to fucking drink. He wanted to forget already. The silence stretched between them as Lafayette went silent and he left the room, unlocking and slamming the door shut in a quick movement. Thomas jumped at the noise but other than that, ignored it. He also ignored the guilt and regret and  _ shame  _ pooling in his gut. He just ignored it, because what else could he do? 

**______________________________**

Thomas grabbed his satchel, shoving his laptop inside as he began packing up. His shift had ended about fifteen minutes ago and he just wanted to pass out already. He sighed and then slid on his coat, not even reacting as he mechanically grabbed the whiskey out of his cabinet, placing it inside his satchel. He buttoned up his dull colored coat, a muted gray. He remembered the days when he would proudly wear his magenta coat, when he swaggered up to people and smirked in that self assured way. 

To be honest, he was three and he stopped feeling that way a long time ago when he no longer could wear that coat, when he could no longer meet stranger’s eyes, or even his parents. He could only remember being scared of what others thought, being terrified of being smacked across his face if he gave an opinion. So now, here he was. He walked out of his office and down the hall, eyes half lidded. He knew how prominent the bags under his eyes were and just.. Did not care. 

He did not give a shit about much nowadays. He shoved his hands in his pockets, pressing a button outside of the elevator. He shuffled inside, and then heard a “wait _ waitwait! _ ” from outside. He shoved his foot between the doors before it could shut and then watched in horror as  _ Alexander _ gave him a look that could kill, then shoved himself inside. A mound of papers were pressed to his chest and he had a pen tucked behind his ear, hair up into a disorderly bun. 

He distantly thought that it completed Hamilton’s whole “I do not give a shit what you think because I don’t even think” shtick. Thomas looked forward immediately when Alexander connected eyes with him, not having the energy to deal with the man at the moment. Connecting eyes with Hamilton was enough to make him want to vomit profusely. He pressed a button to lead them into the bottom floor, tapping his foot against the ground. It continued for several seconds, just wanting to get out of his proximity.

“Okay, can you seriously  _ stop _ ?” Alexander snapped. Thomas swallowed around the knot in his throat as he forced himself to stay still, his hands shaking wildly in his pockets as he was yelled at. “God knows why you’re so fucking annoying. God knows how you even got a fucking job here!” Here it comes.   
  
“You’re so fucking pathetic.”

_ Please stop. _

“I do not know why Washington favors the fuck out of you! I wish I fucking knew why!”

_ I’m sorry.  _

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

_ I wish I knew.  _

“Holy fucking shit! Why won’t you SAY anything?-”

And next thing he did know, his bicep was being grabbed by a hand that reminded him too much of- 

He did not even think as he threw himself forward abruptly, acting on instinct, watching Hamilton’s eyes go wide as he shoved his forearm into his throat. His papers flew to the ground, flying everywhere, actually. The pen behind his ear clattered to the floor uselessly, his bun becoming even more messy than it already was prior to what was currently happening. Thomas pinned him against the elevator wall, snarling. He twisted himself in a way so he could not be kneed in between his legs. He felt Alexander scrabble for the upperhand, his fingers digging into Thomas’s arm as he attempted to suck in a breath. Thomas used his other hand to grab both of his hands, pinning them above his head. 

“DO NOT FUCKING TOUCH ME! DO NOT EVER TOUCH ME! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” Thomas roared out, any trace of anxiety gone as his mind went haywire. He watched as Alexander’s eyes filled with tears due to the pain and could only be filled with satisfaction. He didn’t care if Alexander was in pain. He couldn’t give a single shit at the moment.

“You think you’re so slick?! You think the world revolves around you and your shitty little fucking life? Huh? HUH?” He shoved his forearm even deeper, reveling in the choked out sound the smaller man made.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? HUH? WHY WON’T YOU SAY ANYTHING?” He taunted, eyes ablaze with unbridled fury. Alexander twitched, face turning a shade of purple as he struggled to breath, kicking his legs out in a panic. Thomas watched him for a few more seconds before he let go of him, feeling his nerves calm down. Alexander collapsed to the ground, sucking in heaving breaths as the air flowed back into his lungs. 

“That’s what I thought.” Thomas hissed out slowly, staring down at him. He then felt confused as Alexander peered up at him through his loose strands of hair, a small smirk on his face. 

“I knew that you’d break one of these days.” Hamilton grinned. 

Thomas felt bewildered first, and then cold horror as he registered how easily he had been manipulated. How easily he had been triggered by this vile little man. He watched as Alexander collected himself, quirking an eyebrow up at Thomas as he watched the taller man freeze up. Thomas stumbled back against the wall, staring down at his hands. His throat closed right back up. What had he done? What had he  _ done _ ? Why was Alexander doing this? What was the  _ point _ ? The elevator door opened and he quickly strided out after snatching his satchel that he had not even noticed fell to the ground. If he drank until he passed out cold on the kitchen floor that night, well, no one had to know that. 

**Author's Note:**

> i legit don't think i continue this but i will try. i think i rushed the first chapter but🤷🏻


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